Thank god it's the first day of Spring! Winter in the mountains has sucked this year. It's bad enough that I am terrified of driving in bad weather, hate the cold, hate being cooped up in the house...the list goes on and on. So now it's spring and we can put those dreary days behind us.
Update on the stop smoking campaign with the BF: not going well. I guess I may get to keep the computer money after all. Although he is smoking the cheap cigs now and he has cut back a little.
My question for the day is : When can I start to loosen up and let ghosts of the past go? Dr. Phil says you shouldn't pollute a relationship with stuff like that, but instead of getting better, I seem to be getting worse. I keep wanting him to be like he was before everything came crashing down, but that isn't possible. It wou
ld be fun for a little while, then it would turn ugly again. I sometimes feel like I am involuntarily changing him because I insist on the meds. I know that he wants to take them, but who REALLY wants to be a mental and emotional zombie? He says that he is happy but it is hard for me to accept that. He don't act like someone who is happy. He don't act like someone who is sad. He don't act like nothin at all. And that is what really messes with my head. So do I just accept this as what I am going to be with the rest of my life? Maybe better meds will come along and he can be more like himself. I look at photos of him from when he first came to live with me and he is vivacious and full of life. Passionate, opinionated, eloquent, loving. Now he just kind of hangs out on the couch watching the discovery channel agreeing with everything I say. So what to do? Sometimes I wish he would stop the meds. Just for a little while. Just so I could have him back for a couple of weeks. Go to Hidden Valley and eat Chinese and paint our names on rocks. Lay under the stars and talk about everything and nothing at all. Sometimes its like those times never happened. Like I am the only one who remembers them. Like I was the only person there. I miss being mostly naive to what he really was. I miss still seeing the boy that I fell in love with all those years ago. Happiness, excitement, anger, love, compassion.....all of these things I miss seeing in him. Why can't there be some kind of happy medium instead of opposing ends of the spectrum?
Update on the stop smoking campaign with the BF: not going well. I guess I may get to keep the computer money after all. Although he is smoking the cheap cigs now and he has cut back a little.
My question for the day is : When can I start to loosen up and let ghosts of the past go? Dr. Phil says you shouldn't pollute a relationship with stuff like that, but instead of getting better, I seem to be getting worse. I keep wanting him to be like he was before everything came crashing down, but that isn't possible. It wou
ld be fun for a little while, then it would turn ugly again. I sometimes feel like I am involuntarily changing him because I insist on the meds. I know that he wants to take them, but who REALLY wants to be a mental and emotional zombie? He says that he is happy but it is hard for me to accept that. He don't act like someone who is happy. He don't act like someone who is sad. He don't act like nothin at all. And that is what really messes with my head. So do I just accept this as what I am going to be with the rest of my life? Maybe better meds will come along and he can be more like himself. I look at photos of him from when he first came to live with me and he is vivacious and full of life. Passionate, opinionated, eloquent, loving. Now he just kind of hangs out on the couch watching the discovery channel agreeing with everything I say. So what to do? Sometimes I wish he would stop the meds. Just for a little while. Just so I could have him back for a couple of weeks. Go to Hidden Valley and eat Chinese and paint our names on rocks. Lay under the stars and talk about everything and nothing at all. Sometimes its like those times never happened. Like I am the only one who remembers them. Like I was the only person there. I miss being mostly naive to what he really was. I miss still seeing the boy that I fell in love with all those years ago. Happiness, excitement, anger, love, compassion.....all of these things I miss seeing in him. Why can't there be some kind of happy medium instead of opposing ends of the spectrum?
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