Ready to let it go?

Remember the old Nestea commercial where the people took the Nestea plunge? Well I am ready to take a plunge of my own. Ready to spread my arms wide, close my eyes, feel the wind rushing past my face as I lean over the crevasse of the future...ready to let something big go.

I have decided that it is time to let events that happened in the Fall of 07 go. I am ready to move forward and put it behind me. I am ready to declare the BF "all right" and move on. I realize by doing this it puts responsibility on him to continue to do well and take proper care of himself. Will he? Who freakin knows. I quit trying to anticipate his next move a while ago. I think he will. He has all the tools to succeed in his sobriety and sanity. Most importantly I hope he will continue on the right path. Because when we quit hoping, we have nothing. So yeah Seth! Good job, keep it up. God knows it takes alot of gumption to watch discovery channel and smoke all day haha

Welcome Spring/Feelin kinda Emo

Thank god it's the first day of Spring! Winter in the mountains has sucked this year. It's bad enough that I am terrified of driving in bad weather, hate the cold, hate being cooped up in the house...the list goes on and on. So now it's spring and we can put those dreary days behind us.

Update on the stop smoking campaign with the BF: not going well. I guess I may get to keep the computer money after all. Although he is smoking the cheap cigs now and he has cut back a little.

My question for the day is : When can I start to loosen up and let ghosts of the past go? Dr. Phil says you shouldn't pollute a relationship with stuff like that, but instead of getting better, I seem to be getting worse. I keep wanting him to be like he was before everything came crashing down, but that isn't possible. It would be fun for a little while, then it would turn ugly again. I sometimes feel like I am involuntarily changing him because I insist on the meds. I know that he wants to take them, but who REALLY wants to be a mental and emotional zombie? He says that he is happy but it is hard for me to accept that. He don't act like someone who is happy. He don't act like someone who is sad. He don't act like nothin at all. And that is what really messes with my head. So do I just accept this as what I am going to be with the rest of my life? Maybe better meds will come along and he can be more like himself. I look at photos of him from when he first came to live with me and he is vivacious and full of life. Passionate, opinionated, eloquent, loving. Now he just kind of hangs out on the couch watching the discovery channel agreeing with everything I say. So what to do? Sometimes I wish he would stop the meds. Just for a little while. Just so I could have him back for a couple of weeks. Go to Hidden Valley and eat Chinese and paint our names on rocks. Lay under the stars and talk about everything and nothing at all. Sometimes its like those times never happened. Like I am the only one who remembers them. Like I was the only person there. I miss being mostly naive to what he really was. I miss still seeing the boy that I fell in love with all those years ago. Happiness, excitement, anger, love, compassion.....all of these things I miss seeing in him. Why can't there be some kind of happy medium instead of opposing ends of the spectrum?

Poetry Break

I love poetry. I usually favor more of a darker genre, but I love the Serenity Prayer. I really became familiar with it and its message when my BF was having some issues a couple of years ago. It kind of became my mantra then, and i still break it out pretty often. It is reassuring to tell yourself that it is ok to accept things as they come, that you have the power to adapt. That things will work out in the end. I need to have this tattoed on my freakin forehead!

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

What I really wish that I could do for myself...

*Realize that I need to quit placing my self worth on the pasts of others.
*Quit trying to outdo people that I have never met.
*Love my BF for what he is not how I think he should be.
*Realize that I am hypercritical of myself & my loved ones.
*My loved ones will never be able to live up to the expectations that I place on them.
*To live in the now, to enjoy it and quit micro-managing my future
*To quit worrying so much about my interpersonal relationships and focus on my financial goals.
*To quit trying to win a popularity contest that I have created in my head.
*To stop going above and beyond for others and expecting them to do the same in turn. It should be done selflessly.

The day thus far...

I logged in some really good sleep time today. Five hours is a looong time for me on my workdays, so I actually feel descent this evening. I finally drug myself out of bed around three pm when my baby started screaming like a banshee by my bedroom door. Of course my dear BF made a valiant attempt to stop him by declaring "Now Gavin..." about 50 times from his perch on the couch. But I was ready to get up and play so I did.

Super excited about a couple of things going on. First, I think the BF is actually going to quit smoking. Some tax has been tacked on to cigs in the state of VA and a carton of his favs, Marlboror Mediums are up to 40 dollars a carton. Outrageous, I agree. He came out of the tabacco shop and declared a war on smoking...starting after this carton was finished of course! He works really well on a system of rewards, so I think that if he is successful I will buy the laptop he has been asking for. I just can't seem to make myself get it otherwise. He did god-knows-what to my other one, so I cant justify buying a new one for no reason. But no cigs = more money, healthy BF, and no butts laying around the yard. I just wonder what new and strange ritual he will replace his smoke habits with. He can come up with some odd ones. Second, we may be going to the beach with his fam this summer. We have planned on going alone, but with others to help with the kids we may possibly get to do some big people stuff. We would have been able to only go for a few nights and this trip will be a whole week! And we can still manage a side trip to see our friend in Durham. Alright!

On a pissy note, my mom got a barb in this evening. I got a rad new Sinful shirt from Ebay and when I was showing it off to her she got all screwy faced and asked "just how old are you?" Nice. And the shirt was awesome and I will look awesome in it while wearing it to the local grocery store (the only place I really ever go) despite my jealous mother.

A very slow week

I have the privledge of working my week in three consecutive 12 hour nightshifts. Tonight is my last for the week. My life is pretty hectic for a couple of days, but it is worth it to have the rest of the week off. I get to spend alot of time with my family. In comparison to last "week" this one has been pretty slow. Pretty cool.

I got to spend some time with one of my buddies that works in another department. She is a newlywed and is still somewhere on cloud 9. I love to hear her go on about her husband and how they are adjusting to life together (first marrige for both, no kids). I envy her because I have never been a first wife. I have had to come into both my marriges and current relationshiop in the wake of some psyco hose beast that had decimated both emotional and financial well being of my man. So I guess you could say that I'm a cleaner-uper. There were few firsts in these relationships. Just alot of me trying to prove that I was a better person than the one before me. To men who were totally unworthy of it. I guess I have become disillusioned the thought of marriage, but don't want to totally count it out. I remain hopeful for my future. I really do want to get married and be committed. Most importantly, I want someone who will be committed to me.

I am getting too old to keep hooking up with men who are emotionally stagnant and just want someone who will cook and clean for them. I am tired of rasing my guys along with my kids. for all his faults and past transgressions, my current BF is not a bad guy. He does what I ask of him, helps with the kids, and doesn't try to control money. We get along very well and spend alot more time together than most people. I have stuck with him through thick and thin so I think this will just be another adventure for us to go on together. I am hopeful...

Get Out!!

I am trying to get these silly thoughts out of my mind. This is why I am starting my blog. I have kept a written journal fairly steady for the last couple of years and I have found that it is much easier to type that write. Yeah, big surprise. To kick off blogfest 09 I think that I will list what I want to accomplish out of all this...

++To get rid of paranoia that is a constant threat to my current relationship. I have an alright boyfriend that I kick out a hundred times a day in my imagination because of crimes he has never committed.

++To resolve past issues with friends, family and others that I can't seem to let go. I am the queen of holding grudges. I still don't like the people that I didn't like in high school--that's been a long time ago.

++To wean myself off of Myspace & Facebook. I do way too much snooping on there and they waste too much of my time.

++To make some connections with people from other places with different views. I have lived in the same small town all my life and everyone seems to be the same. I've always been kind of different, so it will be interesting to see if I meet anyone on here.

So I guess that is the short list. I'll add more in about my life as I continue. Hopefully it will get more interesting then this, right?